Beauty from my heartache.

As productive as today was, I still wish to call my dad, see my dad, hug my dad.  I know it will never happen.  But today was one of many days where I just miss him and long to see him.  I feel bad for my mother.  Could you imagine, being with someone you love for 32 years your best friend, your soul mate, your anchor, and within 4 hours he's gone? No wonder all she wants to do is sleep and cry.  I am beginning to feel the same way now that things are starting to calm down.  I have this aching in my heart.  Like, have you ever been so, so, so homesick, the kind of homesick where the only thing that will make it better IS to go home?  That's exactly how I feel except I am home and I just strongly miss my dad.  He was literally my best friend.  I could call him and he was always there.  Whenever I wanted to go see a movie nobody else would go with me to see, he was willing.  Whenever I was stressed or worried over something, he reassured me and calmed my heart.  And he was supportive of everything, absolutely everything I did no matter how crazy.  I will miss him forever, love him for always and cherish every memory I made with him.  Today was pretty cool to see how God provided for my mom.  She has been very stressed, and as we were driving home I told her to just have faith for once, just for one day, for five minutes.  Once we were home BOOM there was 3 answers to prayer in our faces.  It wasn't even like an, "I told you so mom" moment.  More like a, God is good and faithful to provide, Praise Him.

Today after we went grocery shopping, I came outside to this beautiful sunset.  I don't know what it is with me and sunsets but I can't think of anything better than the sunsets.  Gods masterpiece, I think.  Tomorrow is my last day of freedom, before I really do have to face normalcy head on and go back to work.  I'm sad about it I have really enjoyed my time.  I think it will help getting back to normal, hard to readjust to life at work, but helpful.  Just have to keep a positive spirit about it.

The Calm

Since my dad has passed it has been nothing but nonstop madness. Days start early and end late and are just filled. But since the service, its been nothing.  Silence. Nobody calling, nobody texting,  nothing.  This big house of empty filled with all his belongings and all these memories. I see his shirt he would wear that was my favorite.  All of his medicine.  Its all very sad. And now I'm forced to ask "What Now?". What do we do now and how do I ever find or return to normal when I don't even want to leave my bed.  Sometimes life is confusing.

Long as I can have you Here with me, i'd much rather be Forever In Blue Jeans

I guess I forgot this blog existed as I searched the site in preparation to create one.  Today was my dads memorial service.  I wouldn't call it a funeral, it was much more relaxed than a funeral.  And I hate the words "funeral" "death" "died" "dad would have".  And my dad wanted to be cremated.  It was a really nice service for him,  I was in awe of how many people were able to come.  2 ladies from dialysis center (his favorite), a lot of people from the Sheriff's office and plenty of friends and family.  We had his favorite (Requested) song "Forever in Blue Jeans" By Neil Young playing.  I could only imagine him dancing or tapping his foot while listening.

This week has been so busy every single day we have had something to do.  We would start our days at 8 am and get home at 10-11PM.  And now today, there is nothing.  Silence.  No rush to be anywhere, no real needs to be met (Except the norm).  And yet I keep thinking. "Who's going to tell me the weather for the coming days?", "Who's going to explain this government stuff" "Who's going to fill mom's meds?"  I am sad that my dad has passed away and everything was so sudden.  But, at the same time I sort of have a peace about it.  It still seems so surreal. My last memory was him lying on his side asking us, "What stories you got." And now he's gone.  Just this void, with all of his belongings.  That's the other thing, what do we do with all of his belongings?  All of his medicine lying all over the house, all of his clothes from the hospital in my trunk, all of the little things around the house that remind me of him.  

How does one bounce back from such a big loss? Or how do we return to a normal or find a new normal?  Eventually I have to go back to work, and continue living my life.  I can't hide at home forever.  But it's finding the strength to go back to that normal.  And my mom, has to find a new normal.  I can't imagine being with someone for 32 years and then POOF they're gone.  It's like the heart ache that you experience when watching Practical Magic or P.S. I Love You.  A hole in your heart, an aching heart, a longing that will never be there but in spirit.  And all of the firsts, dad loved holidays and without him will not be the same.  First Halloween without dad, first thanksgiving without dad, first Christmas without dad and so on and so forth.  Even small things are different, like going to Wal-Mart, or going to his favorite mexican restaurant, driving by his dialysis center all these places that I think he is going to come home from.