Long as I can have you Here with me, i'd much rather be Forever In Blue Jeans

I guess I forgot this blog existed as I searched the site in preparation to create one.  Today was my dads memorial service.  I wouldn't call it a funeral, it was much more relaxed than a funeral.  And I hate the words "funeral" "death" "died" "dad would have".  And my dad wanted to be cremated.  It was a really nice service for him,  I was in awe of how many people were able to come.  2 ladies from dialysis center (his favorite), a lot of people from the Sheriff's office and plenty of friends and family.  We had his favorite (Requested) song "Forever in Blue Jeans" By Neil Young playing.  I could only imagine him dancing or tapping his foot while listening.

This week has been so busy every single day we have had something to do.  We would start our days at 8 am and get home at 10-11PM.  And now today, there is nothing.  Silence.  No rush to be anywhere, no real needs to be met (Except the norm).  And yet I keep thinking. "Who's going to tell me the weather for the coming days?", "Who's going to explain this government stuff" "Who's going to fill mom's meds?"  I am sad that my dad has passed away and everything was so sudden.  But, at the same time I sort of have a peace about it.  It still seems so surreal. My last memory was him lying on his side asking us, "What stories you got." And now he's gone.  Just this void, with all of his belongings.  That's the other thing, what do we do with all of his belongings?  All of his medicine lying all over the house, all of his clothes from the hospital in my trunk, all of the little things around the house that remind me of him.  

How does one bounce back from such a big loss? Or how do we return to a normal or find a new normal?  Eventually I have to go back to work, and continue living my life.  I can't hide at home forever.  But it's finding the strength to go back to that normal.  And my mom, has to find a new normal.  I can't imagine being with someone for 32 years and then POOF they're gone.  It's like the heart ache that you experience when watching Practical Magic or P.S. I Love You.  A hole in your heart, an aching heart, a longing that will never be there but in spirit.  And all of the firsts, dad loved holidays and without him will not be the same.  First Halloween without dad, first thanksgiving without dad, first Christmas without dad and so on and so forth.  Even small things are different, like going to Wal-Mart, or going to his favorite mexican restaurant, driving by his dialysis center all these places that I think he is going to come home from.