Beauty from my heartache.

As productive as today was, I still wish to call my dad, see my dad, hug my dad.  I know it will never happen.  But today was one of many days where I just miss him and long to see him.  I feel bad for my mother.  Could you imagine, being with someone you love for 32 years your best friend, your soul mate, your anchor, and within 4 hours he's gone? No wonder all she wants to do is sleep and cry.  I am beginning to feel the same way now that things are starting to calm down.  I have this aching in my heart.  Like, have you ever been so, so, so homesick, the kind of homesick where the only thing that will make it better IS to go home?  That's exactly how I feel except I am home and I just strongly miss my dad.  He was literally my best friend.  I could call him and he was always there.  Whenever I wanted to go see a movie nobody else would go with me to see, he was willing.  Whenever I was stressed or worried over something, he reassured me and calmed my heart.  And he was supportive of everything, absolutely everything I did no matter how crazy.  I will miss him forever, love him for always and cherish every memory I made with him.  Today was pretty cool to see how God provided for my mom.  She has been very stressed, and as we were driving home I told her to just have faith for once, just for one day, for five minutes.  Once we were home BOOM there was 3 answers to prayer in our faces.  It wasn't even like an, "I told you so mom" moment.  More like a, God is good and faithful to provide, Praise Him.

Today after we went grocery shopping, I came outside to this beautiful sunset.  I don't know what it is with me and sunsets but I can't think of anything better than the sunsets.  Gods masterpiece, I think.  Tomorrow is my last day of freedom, before I really do have to face normalcy head on and go back to work.  I'm sad about it I have really enjoyed my time.  I think it will help getting back to normal, hard to readjust to life at work, but helpful.  Just have to keep a positive spirit about it.

The Calm

Since my dad has passed it has been nothing but nonstop madness. Days start early and end late and are just filled. But since the service, its been nothing.  Silence. Nobody calling, nobody texting,  nothing.  This big house of empty filled with all his belongings and all these memories. I see his shirt he would wear that was my favorite.  All of his medicine.  Its all very sad. And now I'm forced to ask "What Now?". What do we do now and how do I ever find or return to normal when I don't even want to leave my bed.  Sometimes life is confusing.

Long as I can have you Here with me, i'd much rather be Forever In Blue Jeans

I guess I forgot this blog existed as I searched the site in preparation to create one.  Today was my dads memorial service.  I wouldn't call it a funeral, it was much more relaxed than a funeral.  And I hate the words "funeral" "death" "died" "dad would have".  And my dad wanted to be cremated.  It was a really nice service for him,  I was in awe of how many people were able to come.  2 ladies from dialysis center (his favorite), a lot of people from the Sheriff's office and plenty of friends and family.  We had his favorite (Requested) song "Forever in Blue Jeans" By Neil Young playing.  I could only imagine him dancing or tapping his foot while listening.

This week has been so busy every single day we have had something to do.  We would start our days at 8 am and get home at 10-11PM.  And now today, there is nothing.  Silence.  No rush to be anywhere, no real needs to be met (Except the norm).  And yet I keep thinking. "Who's going to tell me the weather for the coming days?", "Who's going to explain this government stuff" "Who's going to fill mom's meds?"  I am sad that my dad has passed away and everything was so sudden.  But, at the same time I sort of have a peace about it.  It still seems so surreal. My last memory was him lying on his side asking us, "What stories you got." And now he's gone.  Just this void, with all of his belongings.  That's the other thing, what do we do with all of his belongings?  All of his medicine lying all over the house, all of his clothes from the hospital in my trunk, all of the little things around the house that remind me of him.  

How does one bounce back from such a big loss? Or how do we return to a normal or find a new normal?  Eventually I have to go back to work, and continue living my life.  I can't hide at home forever.  But it's finding the strength to go back to that normal.  And my mom, has to find a new normal.  I can't imagine being with someone for 32 years and then POOF they're gone.  It's like the heart ache that you experience when watching Practical Magic or P.S. I Love You.  A hole in your heart, an aching heart, a longing that will never be there but in spirit.  And all of the firsts, dad loved holidays and without him will not be the same.  First Halloween without dad, first thanksgiving without dad, first Christmas without dad and so on and so forth.  Even small things are different, like going to Wal-Mart, or going to his favorite mexican restaurant, driving by his dialysis center all these places that I think he is going to come home from.  

Job Interview

6/7/2011 (Car insurance due today, eek)

Last night, I was feeling mopey and lonely hiding in my room, then I decided to mosey downstairs and bond with the roomates.  We were watching the MTV Music Awards when I got the  phone call.
"Hello?"
-Can I speak to C____ ______? (blanks to protect my privacy)
"Speaking"
-Hi this is _______ from Starbucks how are you?
(Trying to not show giddyness in my voice) "Great, and you?"
-Doing well myself, thanks.  The reason I am calling today is because I noticed you applied for a position at this Starbucks (S. Tryon St.) and I was curious if you were willing to drive 8 Miles to this store?
"Definitely!"
-Great, well I am trying to set up interviews for tomorrow, would that work for you?
"Yes that would be great"
-Wonderful, now we usually do one interview, then give it a few days before the second but we are hoping to do both at the same time, so if you could give twenty minutes for both that would be great will this work?
"Yes, yes, thank you!"
-Sure, here's the directions.

Once anyone gets that call it is so hard to relax, waiting for the next day at 130 feels like E-TER-N-TY.  So I was so excited!! I had dinner (A salad and a bowl of fruit and yogurt) and hung out with the roomies.  Sharon called and wanted to get on Skype to see where I am staying and Amanda left.  It was so good to see her, even if just on Skype!!  Then, the boys decided to watch a movie, but it had to be 'a happy one'.  And being boys, guess what they chose? The very first Die Hard movie. So much for happy! So I sat down and decided to watch it with them.  And then I got a call from a good friend, I feel so bad for her, I keep promising i'm going to visit her, she gets her hopes up and it never happens.  SO, this time I HAVE to actually pursue it.  We had ice cream, and frozen snickers and relaxed.  After the movie, we all went our seperate ways.  I couldn't sleep a bit! What do I wear? How do I wear my hair? What time should I arrive? All these questions went through my head.  I just wish you could telepathically convince your interviewers to just hire you!! So, this morning I woke up at 9 and did my routine :), had a bowl of cereal, read the Bible while i ate went upstairs and showered.  I decided to check my oil and SSNNAAPP it was low so I stopped at this Jiffy Lube type place to get it changed it was weird because this sign says PLEASE STAY IN CAR, and the lady in front of me first of all looked very mad, and was watching everything they were doing so I wondered if it was Shady and considered driving away but I didn't know any where else to go, so I stayed and man oh man were they trying to get my money from me.  First, the guy said that since my mileage is over 75,000 I need the high mileage oil.  I called Dale and he said he's never had it, so I asked the guy how much it was and he said $46.99 so I said no thanks, but then, the guy checked my oil and said my oil was darker than normal and he wanted to flush it out, which hey I just drove 26 thousand some odd miles so it sounded legit, and then he wanted to try to check my AC filter but wasnt sure where it was so I said i'd pass, finally after forever and $45 it was finished.  Then, I needed to get my eye brows waxed and on the way to Wal Mart the other day Amanda and I noticed this place called the Brow Bar.  Seemed interesting so I thought i'd check it out.  Well I ended up getting my eye brows threaded. SO. INCREDIBLE. PAINFUL!! With waxing, its one swift yank and beauty, with threading you feel each individual hair being yanked out and I mean if I didn't to experience such brutality I would have just tweezed  myself.  Oh and the lady was prego and her belly kept rubbing up on my arm which was super awkward.  And then I went to my interview.  It took 20 minutes to get there, but it's such a gorgeous drive and gas is cheaper near there.  So I walk in, tell the guy behind the counter and he asked if he could get me a drink.  At first, I declined but I noticed the girl who was currently in an interview accepted.  And he said "Hey! Your here for an interview, which is kind of like being on the clock, and you get free drinks when your on the clock!" So I said "Sure! A Venti Iced White Mocha Americano, please!" and then I thought to myself "Venti!? Really? a free drink, and you choose a Venti?" It's like your boss taking you out to a fancy restaurant and you buy the most expensive thing on the menu. I immediately regretted my decision.  The first gal that interviewed me, got down to business, asked her questions and was done.  The second lady and I clicked, you could tell she really liked the things I said (Mainly because she said great answer that was exactly what I was looking for =)).  The one thing that made me nervous was that the girl before me, her interview was longer than mine.  The lady said she would let me know by the end of the week.  Which I hate!! Why make people wait and stress, I mean it's a yes or a no!! Yes you have the job, no that other applicant/ interview was more well fitted.. ugh, so, now I wait.  So, afterwards, I drove to Wal Mart to get a Money Order the peeps in Walmart needed patience! There was one gal behind the counter, and 4 people in line (including me)  and the gentleman (4th person in line) waived down a CSM (Customer Service Manager) saying "You gonna get some help over here?" Dude, patience it's not taking that long!! So then I bought a thinking of you card, and as I was walking to the cash register there were these stuffed animals that you push their hand and they do a dance anyways they were on the floor like some obnoxious kid pushed all of them and one fell on the floor (I can't be to critical because I have done that in the past) well a Wal Mart employee looked at it and kept walking.  So I stopped and picked it up and scowled at the employee I asked the cashier if she knew where I could buy a single stamp I mean I'm pretty sure they used to have machines that sold single stamps and she looked at me and shrugged.  Wow! She should receive some legit awards! Like one for  being the MOST helpful Wal Mart Employee ever and for being the Happiest Wal Mart Employee ever!! (Sarcasm).  Now, here I sit, in this quiet house with no noise besides the sound of my clanking on the keyboard and Pandora.  I could potentially do the sink full of dishes the boys created, clean my car, and even organize my room.  But laying on this big comfy leather couch sounds fitting for now.   Once I hear from Starbucks i'll be sure to let ya'all know.
Love and Miss you!
Cat

Job Hunting Day 1

First of all, I gotta tell my story about my first experience with a heat storm.

Yesterday, we went to church at Lee Park in Monroe it is a very nice church, nice congregation, etc. The message was good too.  Afterwards we had lunch at Taco Bell and then went to Amanda's Parents house.  It was good to see her parents even if just for a minute.  So, we come back and Amanda goes to Walmart with me so I can get some groceries and while we're in the store her mom calls, asking if we're home and if not get home.  So we pay and go outside and no joke it was monsooning soo bad, the thunder and lightning was of that from the movies, the kind I had never experienced in real life.  And my windshield wipers couldn't keep up, but of course these Carolina drivers just kept driving fast, and those that can't keep up put on their E-Lights and take it normal speed.  So we get home, get all the groceries inside and guess the junk what? The powers out!! 93 degrees with 90 humidity and the powers out so we fix ourselves dinner (luckily Amandas fiancee got dinner done before the power went out). It was sure fancy, chicken (teriyaki) and rice I mean I thought it was yummy.  So the power was out at 7 so we didn't know what to do with ourselves for a while we sat on the front porch (they have 4 rocking chairs on the porch) watching cars go by. The way the house is situated is that you come to a stop sign, look straight, there's the house so you can only go left or right.  Well Adam wants to be a police officer so we decided to see how many cars actually came to a full and complete stop, wanna know how many we came up with? 0. That's right, nobody.  There could be children close, or a car head on but nothing.  Then Chris came over, Amanda and I started watching Whip-It, but after a while she caved in and went to bed.  So, Adam Chris and I had 'bonding time' on the couches.  Until of course, surprise surprise I fell asleep.

Always Hug the Ones You Love...

6/4/2011

Yes, I do realize it is 4:57 am (technically only 2:57 am back home).  I just dropped my mom off at the airport, and I didn't hug her.  I don't know if I was panicked for her, not thinking or what but I. didn't. hug. my. mom. goodbye.  Yeah, ya'all may not find this very tragic, but it is. Very. Tragic.  I miss her already and I wanted to turn the car around and hug her, but I knew if I did I would have collapsed in her arms.

Well, this is it.  Me, and this big world of Charlotte North Carolina left to conquer. Defeat and conquer.  Oh two things first of all back home I-25 is strictly I-25 but here I-25 would also be known as like, Steel Creek Dr.  So basically the roads are confusing and scary.  Scary is the least way to describe them.  There narrow and tiny.  In Colorado the speed limit on these roads would be 35mph. 45mph AT most.  But here, no forget it. 55mph sometimes 65.  And let me tell you when it is pitch black it is scary.  It's fun to drive fast and wreckless, but if I came face to face with a deer, or a bunny rabbit in that moment I wouldn't think straight I would panic, swerve and cause I huge accident.

Anyways so this is it.  This is what I worked so hard for and dreamed of and it is really not as great as you would think.  I don't have money and that scares me the most.  I mean, I have money but not enough to last me. So I pray. Beg. Plead. that I will find a job this week.  I know the chances of that happening are extremely slim but I have to hope for only the best.  Tomorrow we're going to church in Monroe, that is if Amanda and Adam wake me up, and afterwards were supposed to go and see her parents.  And then I want to get things organized and situated.  And Monday begins the horrific task of finding a job.  I pray for God's provision in that because otherwise.. I don't know what's going to happen.

Goodnight anyone who reads this.

Day 1

6/4/2011

As a kid, you're always excited to play house, to have sleep overs with your best friends, to go on trips and see the world, to do anything but be at home.  Today was so hard, maybe it was the reality that this is my new home, or that my mom leaves tomorrow and i'm staying here.  Who will take care of my parents, make sure they're eating, taking their medications have a roof over their head? If not me, than who?  They can't take care of themselves and it makes me so depressed.  Not just sad like when you see an old lady fall, the kind of sadness that your heart aches and you try to hold back the tears but they just flow.  My heart aches for my parents, I know that they have brought this life upon themselves but I wish I could make it so much better for them.  Whatever it may be I tried my best and my hardest to stay positive and keep busy but i'd find myself breaking down every so often.  When we were at the mall today I saw a group of girls and it made me jealous.  I can't call up my friends to go shopping with, to get coffee or have a beer with.  It is me, and this big lonely city of Charlotte.  What in the world was I thinking? I left a great paying job, health insurance, a beautiful state that was close to my family even though my family was not perfect, I had finally grown to love and accept them.  I left friends that knew and loved me best and that got me through some of the hardest times of my life to this.  Nothing.  A clean sheet of paper with nothing on it.  No job, no health insurance, no family, no friends. N.o.t.h.i.n.g.  as I lay on the cool hardwood floor writing this the only thing I hear is the fan turning. Click. Click. Click. and I begin to panic more and more. What was I thinking? Why did I do this?  What am I going to do if I can't find a job?  What if I don't fit in here?  I mean, obviously I need to figure somethings out about myself but did I really have to move a million miles away from the things I knew and loved to....this?

Anyways so today we semi-slept in 7am back home but 9am here.  We decided to go check out the Nascar Hall of Fame.  It was $19.99 for adults and $17.95 Senior Discount. Super expensive! We'd rather do it with a bunch of people, not the two of us.  So mom stopped off in the gift shop and got some gifts for the boys.  We went to this huge mall. Concord Mills Mall, kinda like the Colorado Mills Mall but much. much. bigger, I mean they had like a bungee jumping thing for peeps to do and a merry go round. it was so poppin/hoppin there were tons and tons of people.  I would hate to see that place during Christmas Shopping season!!  We mainly just walked around and window shopped.  Most of the stores were snooty and expensive.  Those middle Kiosk people were the worst (you know, the people that say, 'Hold out your hand' or 'Let me reduce your lines and wrinkles') they were so annoying.  The one I did want to try was threading.  They thread your eye brows and facial hair and I wanted to try it buuut I chickened out.  I will stick to my waxing thank you very much.  That's the other thing, I miss those evil lady's at Putting On The Wax even though they are nasty, I used to dread going in there and sometimes they would leave Welts on your face I miss the familiarity of them.  And it used to take only a hot minute to get to Wal Mart or King Soopers, now it takes a hot HOT minute to get to Walmart and Harris Teeter (the King Soopers of the south).  I mean you can't just run to the store real quick it's more like hey i'll be back in 15-20 minutes. Oh so after that we went to Lowe's so I could get shelving to put all of my clothes on.  I'm pretty content with it, and the people at Lowe's of course were super nice and helpful.  So we came back to the house and Adam put it back together which was super nice of him.  We ate at BT Burger it was a cute lil joint a mixture of Subway and Culvers.  Subway because you can pick everything from your toppings your cheese to the burger patty.  And your side.  Culvers because you order at the counter and they bring it to you.  Now we're at home, my mom is resting Adam and Amanda are grocery shopping and here I am laying on the cool hardwood floor half sulking.  Were supposed to watch the Dilemma and then I have to get up at 345ish in the morning to take my mom the Airport to make sure she gets out on time. Boooooooooooooooo.